Being ill

We take so much for granted and yet it takes very little to change our lives. We are vulnerable all of the time and yet we tend not to think about that or indeed our mortality. The latter tends to come up more often as we get older and an awareness of out impending check out becomes clearer with each passing year.

I was at the doctor's this morning for a misery inducing urticaria that strikes me periodically. She seems to be exploring the causes but I don't think she will find it. It has been investigated by a number of GPs over the years and they all end up throwing up their hands, and so I live with it until it gets me down again. Mostly it is absent but when it manifests it dominates my life.

I was actually not thinking too much about it this morning but that was what the appointment was made for.  The other issues that I have need new appointments. There was a time when a GP had time to talk to you and find out what was wrong. Talking sometimes was all that some needed, maybe a little reassurance and possibly for some a prescription for a placebo. Ten minutes is now the limit and so I have had to make two more appointments, with different doctors who will deal with each problem in isolation rather than dealing with me. I am more than my conditions but hey they are human beings working to rules inflicted on them by bean counters.

I have a very painful knee - I have no idea what is causing it and no idea whether I should be working it or resting it. At the moment I am doing the latter but when I do get up to walk the pain is excruciating and so I tend to do this as little as possible.

More worrying is again a long standing problem which just won't go away. This is in part due to my inability to express what is happening.  I am writing this as a means of assisting myself in describing what happens and maybe I can start to make sense out of it.  Ok here goes, I am having periodic episodes that are quite scary.  They are not painful but deeply unsettling and each time I get one I wonder if it is the last one, the big one.  I go weeks without one and then maybe I will experience four or five in a day and sometimes at night too, then they are gone again.  The odd thing is that each one begins with a feeling of deja vu. I hear the laughter already. It could be a sound, a smell, any sensory input, though more frequently it is something I see. Then I know it is coming. It feels like something inside me has burst open and my body is being flooded by something warm. My ability to think and process becomes impaired and I have to stop whatever I am doing and wait it out. It lasts less than a minute generally and then all is normal, whatever that may be.  I am not sure that I have described it fully but that will do for now. I have something in writing and that may be of some help to someone.

So yes things could be better, but i am still here for now and grateful for that despite the pain and the fear. I am taking nothing for granted.

Referenda

Or is it referendums?  We are under a blitz of garbage from the media - in out in out what's it all about? I mean it is not as if the outcome will have much effect on most of us; we will still be bled dry by the filthy rich, whose interests will be protected whichever way they turn.

As Mark Twain said, "If voting made any difference, they wouldn't let us do it."  Besides most people have no idea what they are voting for, couldn't care less or can't be bothered when it comes down to actually putting a cross on a piece of paper and pushing it into a large black box.  The majority in this country are pretty apathetic and would not scratch their bums if someone else was willing to do it for them.

The current shambles of a government were elected by a minority. They usually are, with nearly half of those qualified to vote either not registering or just not turning out, and so we get what we deserve.

It would seem that the loony right is split between going and staying, and so by voting I will be forced to agree with half of the tory party. That goes against the grain I must say, but on balance it appears that the really crazy elements are urging us to leave Europe. They seem to want us to shrink back into something that they believe was great. I am sure that they would have us re-instate Hadrian's wall, Isolate the Welsh and cast the Irish loose into the Atlantic. By isolating us they can re-instate the old ways, get rid of human rights and fully exploit the workforce  while kicking Johnny Foreigner out of the country.

Many people are fundamentally selfish and couldn't give  toss about anyone else, many are also intrinsically racist or xenophobic. They are well represented by the current government.  After the referendum has been and gone, the consequences will become known and the recriminations will be the next distraction.

Domestic pets

This is a dangerous topic but one that crossed my mind this morning. A large white dog came bounding from the close opposite this morning. Full of youthful enthusiasm it made a thorough nuisance of itself, jumping up at little old ladies and terrifying their own dogs, before running back and forth over the main road causing cars to take avoiding action. The owner appeared five minutes later and was able to locate the animal and carry it back home.

Now antisocial behaviour by dogs is blamed on their owners I know; dogs simply behave according to their genetic disposition when given the chance, and it is up to the owners to watch them, control them and clean up their shit. A lot still fail to do this and most pavements will have a dog turd or two to tread in.

Dog lovers are legion of course and for many they are company, an excuse to exercise, or even child substitutes. Some love their animals more than they care for human beings and that is understandable, given the way that human behaviour seems to be going.

Cats cannot be considered to have much of a relationship with humans at all. They like the shelter and food supply that they are provided with but naturally they are vicious predators and love to kill mice, voles, shrews and small birds simply because that is what they do.

Recently there was uproar in the press about dogs being eaten in China, or Korea, I can't remember where, and yet people quite happily eat pork. Pigs are highly intelligent creatures and yet few complain about them be exploited as a food source. Dogs however seem set on pedestals yet I suspect that far more children are attacked and maimed or killed by dogs than by pretty much any other non insect animal.

Pet lovers seem to have little time for the rest of us who cannot relate to their animals in the same way that  they seem to.  Many of us do not enjoy being sniffed, licked or leapt upon and fail to appreciate the animal hairs that seem to abound wherever a cat or dog has been.

I do not dislike dogs or cats, I will even give attention to my grandson's hamster, more out of pity for it than anything else. Putting animals in cages, keeping them in houses all day long or chaining them up does seem rather cruel and unnecessary yet this is what happens  to many domestic pets. People accept this and yet complain about the conditions that food animals have to endure.

We anthropomorphise, it is a human trait; we talk to dogs and cats as if they can understand and yet they do not. They may understand emotions and can respond to threats and the like but how much difference is there between a goldfish and a caged animal?

Books and things

My reading began when I was hospitalised at the age of three. Well to be fair it was probably a little later than that,  and I remember being taught to read by nurses. Some would spend a long time with us children and would bring us books to keep us entertained.  Books were an escape from the institution that we are in and for me reading is still an escape, though what I have to escape from I am not sure.

I read for pleasure and rarely do I pick out a non fiction book. Text books were always a bore for me and even newspapers and magazines do not fill me with enthusiasm. When i read a newspaper, I scan headlines and may read a few sentences of an article but rarely will I stay focussed until the end.

I have joined two book clubs since moving here and enjoy both, though they do differ substantially. One of them has a dozen members who meet at member's houses and each member takes a turn at choosing a book. The meetings are fairly formal, each member taking turns in expressing an opinion about the most recent choice. When everyone has had their say, a general discussion may take place, but all chat is about the merits, or otherwise, of the current read. When the discussion peters out we all go home.

The second club is different. There are usually five or six of us and I am the only male presence. I do feel a little on the outside, but the discussions are less formal than the other group and also not only about the book. Book choices seem to just appear from a general conversation and there is more conversation about other things than just the book. 

Book clubs are a good way to widen one's reading. I have read books that I would never have thought of picking up, some of which have been a pleasure to read. Others less so, but that is the nature of reading novels; some writers appeal whilst others do not.  Frequently I have several books on the go at once. This week I am reading "The Book Thief","  "On writing" by Stephen King, and   "Disclaimer "by Renee Knight. I find it helps to keep the books in separate rooms, but even so when  it comes to discussion it is sometimes hard to remember which book is which and plot lines may get confused.

My grandson is six and is now reading fluently if rather woodenly. It is hard to get him to express feeling in the words or even to give some sort of acknowledgement to punctuation but he will get there. I am happy that he loves books, loves stories and loves to read. There are few more valuable skills to learn.