The Crying Game

Yes, I know that I am writing a lot these days, and probably not making a great deal of sense but I am, by writing, trying to make sense of myself.  Of course no-one is obliged to read my words but I hope that one day they can be used by people that I care about, to understand me a little.

I was brought up, in strange circumstances by most people's reckoning, to keep opinions and emotions to myself. It was  a survival mechanism, by and large and encouraged me to inhabit my own inner world, a place where very few have ever been allowed entry to.  As children we were always encouraged to be brave and not to cry under any circumstances, probably because other people's tears are hard to cope with, or was it because it was a sign of weakness?

My head is all over the place these days, I have issues i know, but I suspect that they are of a physical nature and one of the changes in me recently has been an outbreak of emotional episodes that seem to run concurrently with the other things. I have never been one to give in to public displays of anything at all, least of all tears. It seems now though that has changed and the smallest things can on some days reduce me to a blubbering heap. It can be an image, a look on someone's face, a piece of music or anything of beauty.  If I see someone else crying I join them, though I still fight really hard not to. If I am alone then I just let go and then it passes until the next time.

Crying gives relief I know and some people are very good at it. I am a beginner and know that I have a long way to go before it seems like the right thing to do. In the meantime I am taking steps to unwind what is inside me by committing my inner feelings to this blog. If you are reading this, thank you and please bear with me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrSTPNkPcDE

Patterns

One of my favourite phases in science education involved a scheme called SCISP. The Schools Council Integrated Science Project. I still have the books somewhere. The overall theme was patterns, looking for patterns, analysing and applying patterns and so on. Admittedly it was designed for the more able students and was meant to challenge them and enable and encourage the thinking process. I remember one particular experiment where the students used a simple electrolytic process to measure the charge carried by a a single electron. I wasn't expecting much in terms of accuracy but was thoroughly impressed when the first group to finish came up with a value within five percent of the textbook value.  They were pretty thrilled too.

We use patterns so much in life, anything from construction to train timetables and yet we give them little thought or consideration.  The year that is thankfully coming to an end, like other years, follows a pattern of day and night, of seasons and so on, all events that influence and determine our own lives and the patterns that we live by.

I have recently had so many scans and procedures to investigate the strange episodes that have taken over my life.  They seem to follow a pattern of sorts. As I write I am aware that the next batch is overdue and I know that soon a day will be wiped out with a succession of mini seizures and that the following few days will be filled with fatigue and lethargy.  The results of the most recent scan, showed that thy lower half is ok and that nothing is growing in there that shouldn't be so that was a relief. The next appointment is thursday when I see the neurologist for the outcome of the brain scan and the EEG. I am guessing that if there was anything crucial, that I would have been called earlier, but that is hope as much as pattern interpretation.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GTmN7Fhv6o

I just wasn't made for these times

We had an elderly neighbour, when I was not so elderly, who frequently looked at the news and said that this was not her world any more. Things do change rapidly these days and probably more than we are able to manage, and I am beginning to feel the same.

When I was growing up, things seemed to change very slowly, if at all, and each year was more or less the same as the previous one. Technology was in a very long and extended infancy. There were no computers, mobile phones or even remote controls.  I remember at college, learning about binary and hexadecimal systems and thinking that this was pretty irrelevant, and mocked a fellow student who said that one day a whole record collection would be stored on a divide that would fit into the palm of your hand.

My smartphone and smart TV are infinitely smarter than I am and each has more computing power than I am capable of comprehending and it seems that there is always a new gadget around the corner.     It appears that it is now possible to control virtually all things electrical in your home from your phone. We are becoming so very dependent upon this electronic revolution and many of us are becoming addicted to screens and would suffer withdrawal should we become deprived for any length of time.

I have always been a fan of computers, I loved writing programs and love the access that they give us to the world, but am also aware of the dangers of social media and in particular the damage that too much unverifiable information can do.  These are interesting times indeed and I am sure that I am lagging behind, but perhaps that is an inevitability.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NR7_TbMIVnA

The eve of destruction

Since human society emerged, there has probably been a sense of impending doom. Life is nasty brutish and short, and for some nastier, more brutish and shorter than others.  Bible enthusiasts seem to revel in the weird and rather ridiculous book of revelations and use it periodically to predict the end of the world, and of course for everyone, on a personal level, the world will end as far as they are concerned.

Of course the world will end, as far as humans are concerned, sooner or later. Probably by natural causes; a meteorite strike or a new disease, something beyond our power to control.

I am old enough to remember the Bay of Pigs incident, which placed us within a hairs breadth of war with Russia. It was I suspect a game of cat and mouse with both sides bluffing and counterbluffing, but is was a very scary time even for those of us who did not understand what was happening. It wasn't very long after the end of WW2 and for many the memory of the use of nuclear weapons was very clear, and their use again did not seem an impossibility. Now we talk about MAD, mutually assured destruction, and we hope that the situation of a stalemate will always prevent the lunatic use of such devices. We hope that our leaders will have the sense and the humanity to resist any temptation to start something that cannot be stopped.

Now we have the rise of the ultra right and their barmy racist attitudes. Both sides of the Atlantic seem under the influence of the lunatic fringe and it is they that are calling the shots.  Property and shares are the most important criteria and people will come a way down the list in terms of priorities.
A fragmenting Europe and a fragmenting UK cannot be seen as a good thing and yet there are those who promote Nationalism as the best thing since sliced bread. Maybe we are doomed after all; maybe we should be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMq66DhYUmM

Late November

It is a beautiful day, though raining oak leaves.  They seem to accumulate much faster than I can sweep them so perhaps I will leave that job until the last one drops.

The winter solstice is only weeks away and the spectre of the silly season looms, but even that will soon be over and done with and we can at least begin to think about a new year and hope as always that it will be a better one than this has been.

2016 will go down as a turning point in history. This has been the year when the reality of mortality has been underlined so frequently and those that began the upsurge of celebrity are leaving their oh so public lives behind.  Next year will be no different in that respect  and it is an inevitability that reminds us all of our own limited time.

It has been a year when many of those without a voice found one and were pursuaded that the current system stinks and that it should be replaced; not by a humane and caring government, but by something fundamentally even more evil and divisive.

For me it has been a year of health concerns and hospital visits and tests. I have had everything scanned and proper now and await results still. I have a doctor's appointment next week and then an appointment with the neurologist in December. These things do take time I know and remind me that I am just one patient amongst countless others, many of whom have needs far more urgent than my own.  Part of me wants results, and part of me does not, especially if there is nothing that I can do about what is wrong.

In my job as a teacher, the emphasis shifted towards the end of my career to testing and measuring and assessing anything and everything. Whilst ticking boxes and filling forms made some people happy, it became clear that we were measuring things that could not be changed and this to me seemed an awful waste of time and effort. In terms of health, knowing that there is a problem that cannot be solved only leads to worry and concern.

So life goes on; as some people leave the stage, more enter to take their place, it just seems that in some fields that quality is being replaced by quantity.

This lady left the stage a long while ago and far too soon, but we all have to take our exit sooner or later. Let us make sure that we enjoy the time that we have.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQiWL0HfIJs

Lurching to the right

The world is going mad.  I am convinced that fundamentally people are insane or at least terminally stupid.  We have been manipulated by a right wing government for years now. Even under New Labour the political right were in charge - Blair and his cronies were watered down Tories after all.

So people in the West are tired of the corruption and greed of the capitalist system protected by the right wing, and so what do they do? They shift their allegiance to the far right, blinded by empty promises that things will get better for them. Things will not get better for the majority of people while we have a privileged few owning most of the wealth and being protected by the status quo.

The likes of Farage, Johnson and Trump have cleverly insinuated themselves into the minds of the disenfranchised and led them by the nose into the cesspit of nationalism. We are embarking on a dangerous journey and I fear for the future.  The very idea of Farage as an ambassador would be funny if it hadn't been seriously suggested.  Yes politics, and parliament need a shake up but it seems that everything is in danger of falling apart if these people get their way.

Mark Twain once said "If voting made a difference they would not let is do it."  Maybe he was wrong.

Another night at the opera

Getting to London is easy from here. There are plenty of trains and if you choose your time you can usually get a seat. That part I don't mind, but being in London is for me a bit of a nightmare. I don't handle noise well and am even less comfortable being surrounded by so many people, many of whom are more intent on their phones than they are on where they are going.

It was a short walk from Charing Cross to a nice Mexican restaurant, but the noise inside was almost double that of the outside. Why do some places feel the need to play music at such high volumes? For me it wipes out any hope of conversation or even hearing what the waiters have to say.  The food was nice however and the service very good so we left in plenty of time to walk around to the Coliseum, a venue that I had never been to before. It is sumptuous to look at but the seats are not that comfortable and legroom is sparse,  this is important when you are taller than average.

Tosca was beautifully directed and performed, the orchestra was particularly good.  There were distractions however. For me, the appearance of the lead roles is important if I am to suspend disbelief. Tosca and Cavaradossi were both rather plump to say the least, and without wishing to be fattest, I find that difficult. They both had wonderful voices however and produced the volume that is required in such a huge venue. Their acting was adequate though there were moments when the director seemed to have run out of ideas as to where they should be in musical interludes. Her final leap from the battlements was not a disappointment. She fell backwards, arms outspread into the void and did not bounce back into view.

It was a very worthwhile experience and at fifty pounds a ticket it should have been. The audience profile was not entirely made up of us silver haired retirees but we were the large majority. Like most things, opera is becoming very expensive and unaffordable to many people and that is a shame. Maybe we silver heads are keeping it going at the moment and there will probably be more coming along to replace us,  I hope so.

The journey home was straightforward and the silence of home so very welcome.