Yes, I know that I am writing a lot these days, and probably not making a great deal of sense but I am, by writing, trying to make sense of myself. Of course no-one is obliged to read my words but I hope that one day they can be used by people that I care about, to understand me a little.
I was brought up, in strange circumstances by most people's reckoning, to keep opinions and emotions to myself. It was a survival mechanism, by and large and encouraged me to inhabit my own inner world, a place where very few have ever been allowed entry to. As children we were always encouraged to be brave and not to cry under any circumstances, probably because other people's tears are hard to cope with, or was it because it was a sign of weakness?
My head is all over the place these days, I have issues i know, but I suspect that they are of a physical nature and one of the changes in me recently has been an outbreak of emotional episodes that seem to run concurrently with the other things. I have never been one to give in to public displays of anything at all, least of all tears. It seems now though that has changed and the smallest things can on some days reduce me to a blubbering heap. It can be an image, a look on someone's face, a piece of music or anything of beauty. If I see someone else crying I join them, though I still fight really hard not to. If I am alone then I just let go and then it passes until the next time.
Crying gives relief I know and some people are very good at it. I am a beginner and know that I have a long way to go before it seems like the right thing to do. In the meantime I am taking steps to unwind what is inside me by committing my inner feelings to this blog. If you are reading this, thank you and please bear with me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrSTPNkPcDE
I was brought up, in strange circumstances by most people's reckoning, to keep opinions and emotions to myself. It was a survival mechanism, by and large and encouraged me to inhabit my own inner world, a place where very few have ever been allowed entry to. As children we were always encouraged to be brave and not to cry under any circumstances, probably because other people's tears are hard to cope with, or was it because it was a sign of weakness?
My head is all over the place these days, I have issues i know, but I suspect that they are of a physical nature and one of the changes in me recently has been an outbreak of emotional episodes that seem to run concurrently with the other things. I have never been one to give in to public displays of anything at all, least of all tears. It seems now though that has changed and the smallest things can on some days reduce me to a blubbering heap. It can be an image, a look on someone's face, a piece of music or anything of beauty. If I see someone else crying I join them, though I still fight really hard not to. If I am alone then I just let go and then it passes until the next time.
Crying gives relief I know and some people are very good at it. I am a beginner and know that I have a long way to go before it seems like the right thing to do. In the meantime I am taking steps to unwind what is inside me by committing my inner feelings to this blog. If you are reading this, thank you and please bear with me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrSTPNkPcDE
No comments:
Post a Comment