Another day

I hope that my announcement yesterday was not too great a disappointment to some people.

In a town and at a time, not far away, indolence had become an art form. Never had there been such a concentration of idleness. There were some that just about kept the town ticking over but the bulk of the population had one purpose in life and that was  to watch TV. There were plenty of jobs that needed doing, but no-one prepared to do them, fruit and vegetables remained unharvested and bottoms of old and young alike, remained un-wiped. Hospitals remained uncleaned, cars were left unwashed, roads unswept and civic gardens un-manicured. Most of the factories had closed and taken their businesses abroad.  It was only when the pubs began to close that people began to even notice, and even then they could not wrench themselves away from their screens. Apathy was rife.

News of the unfilled jobs slowly leaked out and people from places, where if  you were lazy, you died, began to move into the town to do the work that the townsfolk had spurned. It was a slow process but gradually, the town began to improve. Hospitals were cleaned and bottoms were wiped again.  Fruit and vegetables were harvested and local farmers began to look happy with their lot.  Roads were repaired, and cars began to look sparkling new. The Civic gardens became a thing of beauty all over again.  Old abandoned shops reopened with unusual names and new exotic restaurants opened to cater for the exotic appetites of the new and growing influx of people. The town was growing at a steady rate as more and more of the vacant jobs were filled. The old and shabby houses that had long been abandoned were refurbished and inhabited by the families of hard working folk, and still the bulk of the people remained glued to their televisions.

All went along quite well, the TV made sure that the people were kept stupefied, and stupefied they were. They felt informed because they had seen it all on the telly. Everyone was an expert and so the real experts ceased to be listened to and so left the town. They knew who to vote for in elections because the television told them, and they knew that all was well with the world for the same reason.

One day a rather weird fellow arrived in the town. He wore odd clothes and an even stranger grin.  “Just call me Nigel.” he would tell the small crowds that would gather around him in the few pubs that were left. He would buy them drinks and tell them all sorts of outlandish tales and soon became very popular. News of his presence soon spread and people began to tear themselves away from their televisions to listen to him in the hope of being bought a drink.

He was the biggest news that the town had seen in years and before long he was making appearances on local television, ironically dragging more people away from it and towards him. People would find out which pub he was going to be in and they would flock to it. Pub managers soon began offering him appearance money as well as free beer. His band of followers grew and grew, they hung on his every word, unable to distinguish between lies and truth.

Then it happened. He began to turn their attention to those who had no televisions because they were too busy working. He made the suggestion that the reason that his followers had no jobs was because of these newcomers. Pretty soon they all agreed with him, after all , if you repeat a lie often enough then people will believe it. He told them that all of their problems were rooted in this group of outsiders and convinced them that he could put things right.  Soon his supporters began to organise marches and protests outside the town hall and the Mayor and the town council began to get very worried.

“We want our jobs.” they would chant as one voice, which was strangely ironic as most of them had never had any sort of job. “Nigel for Mayor.” was much more worrying for those in the town hall, who had enjoyed a quiet life for a long time and had got quite used to it. It was clear that they had to listen and so the Mayor arranged a meeting with the strange man. By this time Nigel had gathered around him a group of tough looking men and one or two large muscular  people of indeterminate gender. Annette and Loretta looked more fearsome than the rest of the gang whose members tended to give them a wide berth.

Nigel, flanked by Loretta and Annette stalked into the Mayoral chamber, and without being asked, sat down.  Nigel grinned in his usual inane fashion and waited for the Mayor to speak. Loretta picked her nose while Annette scratched her rather large belly.

“Well, Mr  ummmmmmm” said the Mayor. 

“Oh Just call me Nigel, everyone else does.” The grin widened almost to the point of his head splitting into two.  His companions grinned awfully too.

“Well ummm Nigel.” Said the Mayor, staring at Nigel’s ghastly tie. “You seem to have made an impact on the town. The council don’t like it.” Loretta and Annette stopped grinning and leaned forwards menacingly. The Mayor blanched and continued hesitantly.  “I have been authorised by them to offer you a substantial reward if only you will put things back to how they were and frankly, just go away.” 

Nigel smiled and Loretta and Annette leaned back.  There was a long and pregnant pause before there was a reply.

“How much?” said Nigel through his grin. He was mercinary if nothing else.

The mayor took an envelope from his desk drawer and passed it over the desk. Nigel’s grin broadened even further as he opened the enveloped and then pocketed the cheque. The Mayor wondered how his head stayed together.

“Consider it done. As soon as the cheque clears.” said Nigel and stalked from the room without another word. His bodyguard trotted behind like faithful Labradors.

Over the next few weeks, Nigel and his gang visited each and every newcomer to the town, and strangely, each and every one of them left soon after.  True to his word, Nigel left too and his gang of followers no longer had anyone to follow and so went back to their TV sets. 

Soon there were no dentists, so teeth went rotten, many bottoms remained un-wiped, the old and insane had to be looked after by their families and the hospital had to close because there were no doctors, nurses or even cleaners. The streets remained unswept and un-repaired. Many high street shops closed along with all of the takeaways that had gone so well with the TV. Fruit and vegetables on the local farms rotted in the fields and the few businesses that had moved into the town closed down.  Even the charity shops began to struggle.

Now there were plenty of jobs that they did not want, the people were happy and went back to their TVs and got fatter.  As for Nigel, he took Loretta and Annette and moved to another town also not far away.