A Gap

I have just doubled the RAM on my computer, hoping that it will speed things up. Programs like photoshop and InDesign do like a lot of memory so maybe it will help. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do the same for our minds. To be able to add blocks of pristine and empty memory would be wonderful. I sometimes feel that mine, which was never wonderful, is full.

I won't be writing any more for a while. I thought I'd take a break and maybe pick up again and maybe not. I know that I haven't finished the story yet but I don't suppose that matters much, and who knows in a few days I may feel differently. There are episodes in my recent life that I will not write about anyway, as i wouldn't know where to start or when to finish. Perhaps if I do pick up again, I should just stick to the mundane and the day to day.

I was right about the meeting yesterday - it reminded me as to why I hated meetings. So much time is wasted in travelling to and attending them. I must make a note to myself- make excuses next time! The other downside was that I picked up a lot more work there than I really wanted to - and now Lindsay is hassling me about her website. It's as well that I haven't a lot more to do with my time.

I know that I have to write something; it seems to have become a part of my life. I'd like to think that I could write a novel but realistically I know that I don't have the skill or the ideas that are needed. Steven KIng's "On Writing" is a wonderful read and is in itself quite an inspiration, but he writes so well that I find that intimidating. That is one of my problems I know. Whenever I aspire to do something, I see someone doing that thing really well and realise that I can never reach that standard. That puts me off and so I don't follow it up, or if I do I will despise the creation and destroy it. Interestingly, this extended to relationships in the past. When placed into a competitive field, I'd always see the competitor as having all the cards, and mostly I'd back off. I am very easily put off anything; I guess that comes from a lifetime of criticism and not being good enough.

I am waiting for a phone call from the optician. My new glasses are due today but that means little. They are as likely to turn up next week as today. I am struggling still and can't watch TV with any degree of comfort. However the rain has abated and I can get outside, so that is what I will do.

For now however I will fade out. Thankyou for reading...............