Spring to autumn

As always, friends and the family that I choose to share things with, have been very supportive, and I know that some people really do care about me and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. I don't think that I have ever been one to court attention, and it is really only through my blog that I tend to really dislose what is in my mind. I do not indulge in self pity, and I can honestly say that when things go wrong with my body, I do not think "Why me?". That always seems a strange thing to contemplate. I mean why NOT me? LIfe is to a great extent random. WE like to think that we have control, and yes we do have the facility to make decisions, but it is not a game, there is no referee, and there is no game plan. If there were then any real choice that we make would have no meaning at all.

To me, when things go wrong, I usually think something like "Oh shit - not again!" and I put myself in the hands of those who i assume know what they are doing, and then hope for the best. So far i have been fortunate in that those responsible for cutting me up and putting me back together seem to have been pretty good at their jobs and each operation has given me back a quality of life that I really do appreciate every day of my life. I do not consider myself to be unlucky. Quite the reverse in fact, I feel that I am enormously fortunate to be here at all, and then to be in a position where I have no real worries any more and I seem to have developed a mental state where I am always OK. I do not seek extremes any more, as in the pursuit of those extremes, lie so many pitfalls and the potential for much suffering, and we all know that physical pain is no match for the other kind.

I am lucky that I know so many wonderful people, a few of whom I would call my friends. I hope they know who they are, as they do bring much into my life and although i am not very demonstrative, i treasure them more than any material things (except maybe my computer :-) ) Those people enrich my days and I am well aware that it is much easier to lose them than to gain new ones. I have reached a state in my life when I try hard to be nice to everyone. There seems no point in being otherwise. I smile at strangers, and quite often they smile back, and doesn't that make a difference to the way that you feel?

I do not fear death. I fear the process I think, and maybe the thought that I may be missing something. My own belief is that this is it! There is nothing afterwards, why should there be? Religions have grown through a fear of nothingness and an inability to comprehend the futility of an individual life. I know that most of my life has been futile, and the only things that matter are the positive things that one leaves behind, whether they be children, or the effect that one has on those around you.

Through children, our genes are perpetuated and through our actions, our thoughts and feelings can be passed on. Some are able to pass on words, art or music and a tiny group, through this will become immortal. I cannot imagine a time when people are not aware of Mozart or Shakespeare, but most of us will quickly fade into oblivion, remembered only at a molecular level.

In my own genes are echoes of my own ancestors, most of whom I never knew. They too had lives that were meaningless and as far as i know, they left little behind but their DNA. Sometimes i think that it would be interesting to trace a family tree, but then, when i look at the challenge that it poses, I don't get around to it. Maybe, unless my own genome meets a dead end street, my ancestors will take the trouble to look backwards, and my name may crop up as some anonymous figure from the 20th and 21st centuries. All it will say is Paul Cotton - Teacher. It would be nice to imagine that I'd be remembered for more than that, but it is unlikely!