The weekend was difficult. A bittersweet mix if ever there was one. At the harsh end, I went to visit my mother. Something I don't do very often, and it is not her fault. When I left home all those years ago, it was to escape from the clutches of what had been holding me there, and I vowed that i would never return. When i visit, it is only ever for short spells of a day or less. This is my choice.
My mother is very ill. She has a chronic lung problem brought on largely by smoking, which she continues to do despite the misery of not being able to breathe. She now has a chest infection on top of the chronic health issue and coughs incessantly. The medication seems to do little to help and being there was horrible. I hated to see her suffer and felt bad that there was nothing that I could do to make a difference. I could have stayed longer I guess, but to what end? I could have sat with her, watching her suffer until they took her into hospital again, which of course they have.
My sister feels bad for moving away and she likes to take out her feelings on me, attempting to make me feel a guilt that is not there. I do not feel guilty, but I do feel frustrated and powerless and so have even more bad feelings associated with being in my home town. I am in a vicious spiral here, i hate being there and so i don't go and then feel bad that i don't go. Maybe my attitude is selfish but my escape from home left it's scars and its damage is permanent.
I don't even want to talk to my sister now as her projecting onto me is unpleasant and unhelpful. I know that failing parents is a problem that comes to many of us, but living so far away makes the problem so much more difficult to deal with. I don't know what to do.
2 comments:
Are there any supports available to your mother outside of your family? Home Care? Visiting Nurses? Social Services? Families tend to believe, or be influenced to believe that they must be the first, often times only or main, caregivers. And this just isn't always possible, with distance and scattered families. I am glad you don't feel guilty. Maybe you will feel less powerless if you begin to explore resources outside the family constellation and assist your mother in accessing these.
I think this is very good advice. Further I would also Like to add that the best gift you can give to your parents or to your children is your own happiness. When you take care of yourself and make you happy, it lifts a burden off of those you care about and those who care about you. And for the precious times we do still have together we can make the most of it without feeling responsible for how the others turned out in the end.
.... a poem by
~ Mary Oliver ~
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
.............
Post a Comment